Growing up my parents were always the typical strict kind - no going out after 7, no nightouts, no trips, no this, no that, and no to almost everything.

The word no had practically become a family member, considering how often it was spoken in the house. The word no sat like a third parent in our dining table.

And when I, curious and clueless, asked for a reason,
they would simply say,
"Oh honey, we're only trying to protect you."

And when curiosity turned into irritation,
and I asked for a proper reason,
they'd repeat the same line,
"You will understand when you grow up."

The same line repeated again and again.
You will understand when you grow up.
Grow up.
Grow. Up.

And so I wanted to grow up. That was my dream - to grow up.
A child who could have dreamt above and beyond, of dragons and fairytales, of fantasies and cartoons, dreamt of getting old.
Just the chance to be old enough to finally understand.
To prove that my parents were right. Because how could they be wrong?

The recurring phrase echoed through our house for years. Well, until one day, it stopped. Because I grew up.
And suddenly I was the grown-up I couldn't wait to be.

I am 27 now. Getting up early is still a hassle. I still prefer late mornings like I did as a kid. But I have to go to work, to survive- of course.

It's 8:46. I have just woken up.
Oh no. No, no, no.
I have to freshen up, cook, eat breakfast, pack lunch, plan an outfit, get ready and somehow reach the office by 9.
I'm doomed.
I have an important presentation today that I might, no, will miss because I overslept.

I throw together a half-packed lunch and rush out. My stomach growling.
I reach at 9:23.
I get an ear full from the manager and a warning.
It felt as if I were dragged back into childhood. Some things don't age with you.

On the way back, my last school friend who I still talk to calls, asking me to join for a picnic this weekend.
"Sorry, I can't," I say, and hang up.
And then I wonder... Why did I say no?
Have I grown so used to staying inside a four walled room that the idea of going out scares me... even at 27?

That's the problem -
I like being invited but despise the effort it takes to show up.
I want to feel included but don't want to do anything to stay included.

Was I always this introverted,
Or did I just get trained into staying indoors,
Until it became a personality?

I go home, work, eat, sleep and repeat - on loop.
Adulthood isn't dull. It's colourless.
Completely opposite of what I had imagined as a kid.
It arrived sooner than expected but without the clarity I was promised. It just came with more stress, confusion and even more questions.

The very dream of mine to 'grow up soon' now seems absurd and almost embarrassing. Adulthood isn't what my 7-year-old pictured.
It's exhausting. Overwhelming.

And, even now, I still don't understand.
Sometimes I think, that being a kid longing for adulthood so badly,
I forgot to live my childhood,
and ended up a child trapped in an adult body.

No one says "you'll understand someday" anymore - because that day has arrived, I've grown up.
And the understanding hurts,
more than the "no" ever did.

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